Disjointed by Death 

My mother died. I’m supposed to say it more gently; I’m supposed to say she’s passed or passed away, or something less offensive to the senses. I’m supposed to be more considerate, compassionate. I’ve never really been very good at doing what I’m supposed to do. 

Don’t take me to a car show or museum; all the “please don’t touch” signs encourage me to leave fingerprints under fenders and on marble statues. Tell me not to watch a movie because it’s terrible and it’s the next one I see. Ban a book and I put it on hold. Forbid a fruit and I make fruit salad. 

I’m also supposed to go easy on myself. I wasn’t there when she “went.” I was 1300 miles away, putting off packing to get on the plane to be there when she “passed.” Not a big fan of the dead and dying.  Not a funeral goer. Don’t go to memorials or celebrations of life. 

Now that I think about it, it’s not the dead I’m uncomfortable around, it’s their living. All that….that….that… grief. So condensed and inescapable. So dramatic. So inconsolable. And I have no idea how to respond to so much emotion in so small of a space. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say besides “Thank you” when someone says “I’m sorry to hear about your mother.” 

I probably should have asked her before she left… 

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4 thoughts on “Disjointed by Death 

  1. So sorry. The whole business of losing people sucks. There is no right thing to say, and invariably someone has expectations that you fail to meet and then it becomes all about them. I hope you find your place of peace and warm memories and freedom to cry soon.

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  2. Hey there – I love your blog, so have nominated you for the Liebster Award. And … damn, this could have been better timed … but I wrote and scheduled the post several days before you posted this latest sad news about your mom, and I failed to join the dots and switch out your name for someone else. Please don’t think I’m an insensitive idiot! As for the award, take it as seriously, or not, as you like – I really just wanted to give you a shout-out… 🙂 If you’re interested in seeing what I told my tiny corner of the world about you, see my latest post – https://americansoustannie.wordpress.com/2015/04/06/voluptuous-vivacious-and-versatile-thats-me/

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    • I’m very glad you DIDN’T switch out my name! I’m hoping that my writing, which is erratic, cathartic and practice for right now, is seen by others. I write because I feel like I have to, and my ego desperately wants others to like it, even the crass and the crap. I wanted to be a “real writer” in high school and somehow lost momentum. Blogging gives me a way to start again, and maybe find myself and my voice- 2 things I lost somewhere between high school graduation and getting married…. But that sounds like the start of another post so I’m gonna stop while I’m ahead and shelve that though for another day.

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      • Don’t shelve it for too long; sounds like one worth completing… 🙂 I think we’re in the same place. I have always thought of myself first and foremost as “a writer” – yet inevitably whenever life got busy, the first thing to be put aside was writing. Like you, I’m using blogging as a way to get those creaky old gears shifting again – and it seems to be working, so hope it works for you too!

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